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If I am Gone

  


My baby girl:
I recently had surgery and had to leave you under the care of others. It was by far the hardest thing I had to do. Before my surgery, I had moments of complete hopelessness when I thought maybe that was going to be it, maybe I am not going to make it, and I am going to leave my child without her mom. Even though I trust your father and a small group of family members to take good care of you, nobody, I mean NOBODY, will ever love and care for you like I do. Exhibit A; I am writing this post at 12 am when I should be sleeping, but I can´t sleep because I am thinking of ways to stimulate you, better feed you, and of course, the old fan favorite: not kill you. I often torture myself to imagine new exciting ways you could be harmed and ways to prevent it. I hope that with time I learn to relax, but the odds are not in my favor.
Luckily I am still here, alive and healthy, and you will enjoy your mother hopefully for a long, long time. But if I am gone, I want you to know that you can still talk to me, I will listen (wherever I am), and I will send you all my love and act like a guardian angel and kick whomever´s butt needs kicking. Take shelter in the people who had loved you from the beginning, they may not always be right, but everything they do comes from a place of love. Trust yourself and be fearless, do the things that scare you, speak up, be unique, and truly yourself. Have healthy role models, love yourself, and put yourself first. Please find the courage to become the best version of yourself and to love with all your heart everything around you, even adversity. Don´t forget where you come from; you are Canadian and Mexican, practice your Spanish, learn about your cultures; they are rich and equally important. Stay close to your family, your dad, of course, but your extended family as well. 
I hope I get to witness all your milestones and rites of passage. I hope I am there to see you graduate, get married, have children of your own, etc. I hope to see you happy and fulfilled. I hope I hear you laugh at least a thousand times. I pray, and I negotiate with God constantly so that together we can be a strong force to be reckoned with. 



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