Skip to main content

May the Worrying Begin

 
It recently hit me that from now on, I will not know a day without worrying. My carefree days are over. It is in my nature I can't help it. I started worrying about two or three days after I found out that I was pregnant; I worried about a possible miscarriage about money and my ability to care for another human being. Now, almost 7 months pregnant, I worry about dying while giving birth, about leaving you, this poor helpless creature behind, about postpartum depression, the baby's room (your room), etc. 

And this is just the start! Soon I will be worried about daycare, about schools, about teenage boys obsessing about my daughter, about drugs, and about her leaving me to go to college. The worrying never ends, so my mother tells me and does believe that I need to say goodbye to some part of myself. The part that didn't have to worry about curfews, cursing in front of children, setting an example, etc. I think my biggest worry for you will be to make sure you are a happy child and then that you can find happiness by yourself as an adult. I will always worry when I see you crying or defeated, but I will try (try is the keyword here, no promises) to be useful and not overprotective.
I have to apologize in advance; I think I will be overprotective. I see myself, my mom, and her mom, and we are all very well-intentioned people, but carefree or easy have never been words to describe us. Please try to remember that everything I do with you and for you comes from a place of love and with your happiness in mind. I also have to warn you, I do think I know better than you, I don't like losing an argument, and I am stubborn as hell. That been said, I will try to be flexible and open-minded when listening to your problems and your view on life. Bear with me; this will be a difficult journey for the both of us, as you are my child, and you will probably inherit my stubbornness.

Along with the worrying side of things, hope will come as well. I will have so many dreams of you, of your future, and I will imagine a wonderful scenario where you will thrive and succeed. I will be your biggest fan, so it is not all negative. I am mostly talking myself into this role that I chose to pursue a long time ago, long before I was married, the most important role I have ever taken; the mom role.

I really hope you like me and that I don't disappoint you.  I only wish that we can forge a relationship like the one I have with my mother. I value her not only for all the things she has done for me over the years but for her kind heart, her intelligence, her sense of humor, and her ability to bounce back in life. I do think that I would be my mom's friend even if we weren't related. I do love her and respect her deeply.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Unas por Otras

  My dear girls,  In Spanish, we say "unas por otras," which is how we justify the tradeoff: we gain some and lose some. It has been almost 18 years since I came to Canada. I know, think, curse, and dream in English just as much as I do in Spanish. We alternate languages around the house and speak some Spanglish version that only you and Dad can understand. There have been many ups and downs, losses, and many treasures gained. My mind is settled; I no longer wish to live in Mexico; I like my life and this version of myself here. That doesn't mean I don't miss everything about it; I miss driving through a street that brings out childhood memories; I miss the people I left behind, the people who loved me, the people who raised me, the noise, feeling a deep sense of belonging. Still, I convince myself daily that this was the right decision for you and me.  News about Mexico hurt my heart; the government, the violence, the murders, the unpunished crimes against women, the...
Post a Comment
Read more

Why I chose to be a mother

My dearest child, You are too young to understand, and having children may not be on your mind. But I had this discussion with my friends not long ago, and it has haunted me for days. I enjoy many things about being a mother; I love to hear you laugh, play, and be happy, have cuddle sessions with you and teach you new things. I do not enjoy my lack of sleep when you are sick, and I can't help you when you get injured, and I have to wait hours in the emergency room to make sure you are okay. Having children, as fulfilling as it is, takes work. You don't usually pop a baby out and get suddenly wrapped in this overwhelming motherly instinct. You don't pull patience out of thin air and become the best mother in the world just by having a child. I wish! Still, I am as tired as can be, and I have also achieved a new level of happiness that I didn't know existed until you came along. My friend said having a baby is expensive; the medical bills, the new baby gear you ne...
Post a Comment
Read more

Understanding Over Judging

My dearest girls,  Many people out there feel it is their right to tell others how to live, who to love, how to behave, and what box they belong to. You have the power to choose whether you want to be labelled or whether or not you belong in a box. Nobody has the right to tell people there is anything wrong with their choices or identity. I would encourage you to seek answers not only from people who are similar to you but also from those who are different, those courageous enough to stand their ground and own who they are, even if it goes against what society dictates.   I have always believed that you can teach yourself to love anyone if you take time to get to know them. There is always something beautiful and unique about any human being. Beauty can be made out of hopes, dreams and joy but also out of struggle and pain. In that sense, any person should be a beautiful canvas of experiences; the more you know, the more you understand, and you care, and the more you care...
Post a Comment
Read more