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May the Worrying Begin

 
It recently hit me that from now on, I will not know a day without worrying. My carefree days are over. It is in my nature I can't help it. I started worrying about two or three days after I found out that I was pregnant; I worried about a possible miscarriage about money and my ability to care for another human being. Now, almost 7 months pregnant, I worry about dying while giving birth, about leaving you, this poor helpless creature behind, about postpartum depression, the baby's room (your room), etc. 

And this is just the start! Soon I will be worried about daycare, about schools, about teenage boys obsessing about my daughter, about drugs, and about her leaving me to go to college. The worrying never ends, so my mother tells me and does believe that I need to say goodbye to some part of myself. The part that didn't have to worry about curfews, cursing in front of children, setting an example, etc. I think my biggest worry for you will be to make sure you are a happy child and then that you can find happiness by yourself as an adult. I will always worry when I see you crying or defeated, but I will try (try is the keyword here, no promises) to be useful and not overprotective.
I have to apologize in advance; I think I will be overprotective. I see myself, my mom, and her mom, and we are all very well-intentioned people, but carefree or easy have never been words to describe us. Please try to remember that everything I do with you and for you comes from a place of love and with your happiness in mind. I also have to warn you, I do think I know better than you, I don't like losing an argument, and I am stubborn as hell. That been said, I will try to be flexible and open-minded when listening to your problems and your view on life. Bear with me; this will be a difficult journey for the both of us, as you are my child, and you will probably inherit my stubbornness.

Along with the worrying side of things, hope will come as well. I will have so many dreams of you, of your future, and I will imagine a wonderful scenario where you will thrive and succeed. I will be your biggest fan, so it is not all negative. I am mostly talking myself into this role that I chose to pursue a long time ago, long before I was married, the most important role I have ever taken; the mom role.

I really hope you like me and that I don't disappoint you.  I only wish that we can forge a relationship like the one I have with my mother. I value her not only for all the things she has done for me over the years but for her kind heart, her intelligence, her sense of humor, and her ability to bounce back in life. I do think that I would be my mom's friend even if we weren't related. I do love her and respect her deeply.




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