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About Loss

One day, hopefully in a very long time, you will experience loss like no other. People that you love will die and leave you with a profound hole in your soul. Death has always been a difficult subject to me; I am terrified of my own death, mostly because I am not sure if there is an after life, and if there is, I am not sure I will be myself in it.
We all have different ways to experience grief; some joke, others cry, some get very angry, others are simply not there, they check themselves out. I cry. I lost my aunt Blanca when I was in my early twenties and it was one of the hardest loss I have ever experienced. I miss her everyday, I miss her laugh, her sense of humor, her lightness, her ability to love me. Today I lost again, my grandma just died. Everybody is really sad, but each person is sad in their own way. My way involves tears and writting about it, my dad´s way involves lots of prayers. There is no right way, no wrong way, we´ll each treasure the memories of our loved ones and keep them close when we need strength.
I believe in heaven, I believe I have guardian angels and that my aunt Blanca is watching over me and every now and then she sends me little signals to let me know she sees me and that I am not alone. I believe that when we die we are united with the people that have died before us, the people we love. This gives me solace, this gives me hope and I place to store the love that I have for the people I have lost.
This doesn´t mean that I accept death. I find myself barganing with God all the time, to let me keep the people that I love in this world a little longer. I am not sure if my negotiating techniques with God are working but I try to make myself present in the lives of the people that I care for so I don´t have any regrets when I have to say good-bye.
Some people will come and stay in your life forever, some people are only temporary tenants of your heart, but they all take a piece of you and I do believe you are happier letting your heart expand with each person that touches something inside of your soul.
Death takes us by surprise, sometimes brings out ugly colors in ourselves, our dark side, sometimes it brings us closer together. Loosing someone you love will be unbearable at the beginning, then you will learn to live with it, but this doesn´t mean you will forget, it means you have now learn to live with the memory of the love you shared for each other. I hope I am there to comfort you but if I am not, please know that I love you and that I will be watching you and waiting for you, always.

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